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Blondes
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What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!
How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!
What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
When does a brunette have half of a brain?
After a dye job.
Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just dyed her hair.
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
What did the blonde think of the new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Why don't blondes eat Jello?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
To put their feet through.
Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop.
What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm *sooo* drunk!"
What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was run over by the zambonis machine.
What's a brunette's mating call?
Has that blonde gone yet?
When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
"All the blondes have gone home!"
Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
Because they can spell it.
What is 74 to a blonde?
69 plus G.S.T.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
Buy her another beer.
What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
What do blondes do with their assholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work.
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself.
Walks home.
Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
"Thanks for the refill!"
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don't know any better.
They are easier to keep amused.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
"What's a lightbulb?"
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
What's a blonde's favourite wine?
"Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A wine cellar.
Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
They're doing research on black holes.
What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.
Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
Because her boyfriend was also blond!
If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
Her IQ goes up!
What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.
What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them.
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Don't tell her to swallow.
Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Why do blondes have square boobs?
Because they forget to take the tissues out of the box.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
What's the blonde's cheer?
" I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.
How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it.
Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits!"
How does a blonde high-5?
She smacks herself in the forehead.
How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
"No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.
How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.
What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Why don't blondes breast feed?
Because they always burn their nipples.
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!
Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
To cover up the valve stem.
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader.
What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
Air Supply.
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.
Why do blondes drive VW's?
Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch Manager.
How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blonde electrician.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So brunettes can remember them.
Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
So men can understand them.
Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Why do blondes have periods?
They deserve them.
Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
She realized she gave her last blowjob.
What did the blonde do when she got her period?
Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
What did the blonde say to the physicist?
"Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Why are blondes like cornflakes?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
How does a blonde hold her liquor?
By the ears.
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.
Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ.
What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
One's a bunch a cunning runts.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
One's a busy ditch.
What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
What will she ask you?
"Is it mine?"
What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
An air bag.
What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
By the buckle print on her forehead.
How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
She can't say "No".
What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
Retardo.
What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Perri-air.
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
The Air Pump!
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.
What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.
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